Revelation

I can’t stand the feeling of wanting to check back on someone who I would never want to have back in my life. It is curiosity that drives me to want to know how his life is being with her. This urge of curiosity is caused by the spontaneity which the incident happened this summer, I couldn’t remember the cause of me falling / or infatuated by this guy, probably the cause of my imprudent action was being lonely. The need for someone to be around who is willing to talk and to encourage me when I couldn’t find support or relate to anyone else led me to fall into his trap.  It was a good experience, good for nothing serious happened and bad for regretting the time and feelings I have devoted to this non-senseness. The turmoil of the ongoing stresses that has dragged on since summer is giving me piles of frustration, yet I am still glad that I have learned the lesson in a less harsh way than most people had to.  Other than that, being able to walk out from my imagination and see the true side of someone really made me thankful that I do not have to be the one who will be have to suffer for his character flaw in the future.  

A new start or another milestone?

Haven't updated blog for a while, but today out of no where I have the urge of keeping my chaotic life in record.
I'm going through a period of time when I have no time to get ready for things come unexpectedly to me daily. It has been a hassle from the start, but now I'm slowly adapting to it and even starting to enjoy the pace of new stuff introduced in my life in blink of eye.
I want to give it a try especially for someone special like him, but I need to retain my independence firmly, lest life would go out of balance which is the last thing I ever wanted to go through. Being who I am and trying to love and trust the right person while not loosing track of my goal is what I need to persist on holding for as the anchor of my life.

A new start

I never expected Goldman Sachs interview to be this chill. I have always imagined it to be intense and technical heavy, but the recruiters were shockingly down to earth with warm smiles and genuine personality. Even though I know I won't get accepted by such a competitive position, the experience definitely taught me to be confident for myself. When I'm confident everything will be at ease. Fear shatters you, but confidence is what makes you marketable and successful.

My goal in the near future is to get into a company where I'll be able to work with talented people and be able to to learn and share their visions, therefore I have to work hard and be hopeful and confident for myself, fear shall not strike me and I will always smile to the end... (this sounded a bit creepy, o well couldn't figure a better ending...)

Chained

Recently, I'm facing many obstacles in life that I have never dealt before. Mainly, the problems are caused by people around me, and I know that I have always had issues coping with acquaintances, it is hard to please everyone without attaching yourself to those people. All I wanted is just to make friends and to find supports, yet the habit of caring for someone too much is draining my energy and life.

People survive in an environment by interacting with other human because we exist as a community not as a single entity. It is so hard now days for me to find a group which I truly belong, I can't find the type of supports I need from people around me, for they can't even help themselves. Often times, it feels like I'm stuck in my own life that I'm brindled by the current situation I cannot escape from. The urge of finding a group which could help me to excel seems like a tiny light glimmering at the end of a tunnel, and I at the very other end chained by the environment is desperate searching for a propeller that could push me forward. How I wished that I could grow in an environment where people inspires me and take me to the right path when I'm lost. I long for supports, and let there be someday that I will obtain them....

visit to a happy family

Today we got invited by my mom's friend to a local pre-lunar new year gathering.Before setting off for the gathering, we were invited to visit the friend's house. The house is imbued with loving family photos and cozy decors. Pictures spread across the room displaying bright smiles all over the place. This is a typical middle-class family with two daughters and the parents. The older daughter has already graduated from college and lives in NY for work while preparing for her engagement; the younger daughter is only fourteen who has a passion in drawing and singing. This reminds me of how I used to be when I was at her age, we shared the same passion, yet with disparate family backgrounds. I always dreamed of living in a complete family where I could play the loving daughter cuddled by father's protection and mother's tender cares. Dreams are still dreams, even though it will never be realized, I'm still cool with how I brought up to be by a single parent.

The house felt warm and welcoming. I have never had such a pleasure of being in a stranger's house, and I'm glad my mother is making progress in finding new friends. I hope they are nice people and willing to accept us as their friends. If we get rejected again, I honestly doubt we will ever be able to form any connections in the community, it is such a difficult task for a single woman to blend in since people are less willing to put trust in others as they grow older, and most people in my mom's age have family, thus jealousy intensifies among the wives when a single woman is being introduced.

Changes in lfe

I still can't keep up with the changes that are constantly happening and taking effects in my life. Especially the changes in people and myself. What is happening? I have been trying to maintain the old relationships or more accurately, to beg people not to leave me behind. I'm aware that this is the age when people move on from the pre-adulthood to adulthood. This phase in life has turned into a catastrophe, which forced me to recognize life as a shattered puzzle piece that requires me to put them back together whenever it constantly breaks apart on its own. I want to have some control over all those changes, yet it feels like I'm the only one who is always behind of everyone. People change and move on without even leaving a lament glance, yet I can't even stop my stubborn mind from telling me to maintain what seem to be valid.

It is hard to feel left behind by the people I used to run along with. Or maybe arriving at adulthood really means we depart and set off for a new place to rid of the old and to welcome the new. Yet why do I always feel I'm alone in this transitioning? Are we suppose to embrace loneliness before acquiring the power of being independent? There is still too many veiled truth in the transitioning to adulthood and in becoming a matured person. I'm still trapped in the maze of finding myself. Is this a game that I have to play in order to get out?If it is, I must be lost in the middle of playing and desperately need for guidance. I hope if miracle still do exist that someone would hear my hopeless cry and come to give me a guidance on what I need to do in order to make sense of all the traumas that are happening. Fears won't leave me alone, and I'm too much on my own that I'm afraid I will collapse in confusion and never reach my goals...

List for 2012

This is a list that outlines the plan I'm going to implement in 2012 as a way to speed up the progress of getting closer to my goals.

To start the list, I have to reform the way I live and rid of the habits I would love to live without.

1. I must not drag projects on-hand to the last minute.

2. Acquiring persistence by avoiding distractions. If I started  something I must finish it! To start out means hang in there till it's done and staying away from the web!

3. Be audacious, daring to initiate a conversation. According to Roosevelt Eleanor the cause of fear is the uncertainty of an event and its outcome. If you suck it up, try not to think about the outcome and just go do it, you'll feel much more accomplished than not even attempting.

4. DO NOT live on others' view of you.

5. Be yourself and again avoid distractions

6. Make valuable friends.

7. Smile as much as possible, but try not to look like a retard :)